Introduction #1

Bring up the topic of chivalry in nearly any social situation and you get blown off. "Chivalry is dead," they say, mouth curved into the "you can't be serious" frown. You know, the one where they're almost smiling at you for your ridiculous idea. Gentlemanly behavior seems to have been relegated to some intellectual backwater along with etheric and phlogiston theory. Somehow, our collective social consciousness has decided that chivalry is somehow anti-egalitarian, demeaning and (in a true reversal of fortunes) potentially quite rude.

Let's shut that idea off at the tap, shall we?

A few years back when I started seriously thinking about chivalric behavior as it makes sense within a modern context, I found a sharp divide along the lines I expected: most men hated the idea and often mocked it, while women were indifferent or liked the sound of having doors opened for them. One of the things that surprised me (and continues to surprise me) is that the most vehement male detractors of gentlemanliness are some of the men in whom I've most frequently observed gentlemanly behavior. Why, then, did they decry a concept that they embodied?

I would not like to imply that every woman who I've talked to about gentlemanliness is on board with the idea. Occasionally, I've run across a woman here or there who feels that little chivalric actions (like opening a door for her or walking on her outside) is demeaning. Can't she, after all, open her own damn doors? Why the hell does she need someone to interpose himself between her and the incoming splash from that puddle?

This argument speaks to a larger social issue: the death of chivalry is often seen as an early victory of feminism. If men stop treating women with a different set of rules than they treat each other, then, logically, women have come one more step closer to being socially equal to men, right? Through this lens, gentlemanliness not only becomes unnecessary, but insulting, demeaning and, well, sexist.

So, if I keep hitting all of this resistance, if men and women alike despise chivalry and gentlemanliness so much, why should I bother trying to write about chivalry at all? What could I possibly have to say to make it sound attractive? Why waste the time?

It is not my intent to convince anyone to act in a gentlemanly manner. I will not revive chivalry on my own. If you're already sold one way or the other -- for or against -- you're not going to find a debate here. I do not intend on addressing fine points of gender theory here. That doesn't mean that it won't happen, it's just not what I'm here for.

The point is, there is a set of disparate skills that every gentleman needs to have and behaviors he needs to exhibit. Some are easy, some are hard. Some have the same answer every time they pop up, some have an answer that depends entirely on context. What this blog is here to do is to help gentlemen (or aspiring gentlemen) navigate these issues, skills and situations to live up to the ideals of modern chivalry.

In reality, the central concept of modern chivalry boils down to one idea, one concept and any gentleman would do well to bear it in mind, keep it, use it every day and make it the guiding force in his social interactions with other people (male or female):

Every case is a special case.

When every situation is treated as unique and individual, every event recognized as fleeting and irreplaceable, the actual crux of chivalry is attained. It's not about doing things for other people, whether they could do them for themselves or not. It's about doing justice to the case, and every case is a special case.