UPDATE: Tying One On in 2011, Return of the Bow Tie!

After re-reading some of the old Gentlemanual posts, I've realized that Universal Skills #2: Tying One On got a few things wrong. Well, in particular, it got one thing wrong: bow ties.  To paraphrase what I wrote there, I basically poo-poo'ed the idea of wearing a bow tie outside of a tux as treading far too close to dangerous levels of geekdom.  Well, I have to say, it seems as if our ol' pal the bow tie has made quite a bit of a comeback, appearing not only in geeky circles, but also the world of high fashion. What I think is the most interesting about the bow tie revolution is that, while the bow tie seeks to shrug off its previous "geek attire" connotations, it is precisely through its association with a geek icon that it has become popular again.

Universal Skills #3 - The Five-Minute Biography

This skill goes out to all the first dates out there. First dates can be awkward, stilted and tricky.

Enter the Five-Minute Biography, a quick and easy way to present the details about yourself that you think the other person should know as well as get that sort of information from them for your own files. I can't take credit for the five-minute biography, but it was introduced to me by Kaycee who, near as I can tell, might as well have invented it.

The idea is simple: there are really only so many facts about you that are really pertinent to the other person. They really neither need nor want to know every fact about your upbringing on the first date. Other things like your job, education level, things that take up a big chunk of your time and pursuits of that nature that could either interest or influence your date are things you want to think about adding. (More after the break.)

After A Long Absence... People Are Still Reading

It's been almost four years since the last Gentlemanual post. For long years. Far too long of a time to go without anything to say on the topic of gentlemanly behavior.  I allowed this blog to languish far too long, but no more.  It was much to my surprise that I discovered recently, while working on another blog, that the Gentlemanual was still getting hits and page views.  Seeing those hits reminded me that I still have a lot to say on the subject of gentlemanliness and gentlemanly behavior in general.  And thus, I'm bringing the 'Manual back.  Over the next few months, I hope to return to posting here regularly to help gentlemen and prospective gentlemen with the myriad concerns for today's modern gentleman.  While I start getting my ideas for new posts and topics together, I'd love to hear what you, dear reader, would like advice on or have to say about gentlemanliness.  Drop me a line, I'd love to hear from you.

Gifts for the Gentleman

What with the season being what the season is, I thought it might be useful to post a list potential gifts for the gentleman or aspiring gentleman on your list. There should be an accompanying article on the appropriate gifts for a gentleman to give during the holidays, but that might be coming a little further on down the line.

Gifts for the Gentleman

• Ties. Initially, I was going to write something to the effect of "don't buy him ties!" The purchase of ties should be an intimate and personal thing, based on knowledge of the gentleman's closet and personality. Then I remembered that some of the best presents I ever got were ties. Case closed. You may want to read my other articles on ties to get some ideas.
  
• Cuff links. Every gentleman should have at least one French-cut shirt. For every French-cut shirt, you need at least one set of cuff links. And it's always good to have choices. Don't try to find crazy or kitschy things, but if you do decide to go for kitsch factor, make sure that the kitsch you're aiming at is one he appreciates. I myself am looking for a set of John Paul II cuff links. Keep your eyes open.
• Monogrammed Things. Anything monogrammed may seem a little cheesy, but whenever I picture the Great Gentlemen of History™, they've always got something monogrammed on or near them: bathrobes, smoking jackets, handkerchiefs, etc. And for the record, monogrammed pint glasses count.
  
• Great Books and Literature. This one can be tricky, since you might not be as intimate with the gentleman's bookshelf as necessary to make the best possible purchase here. Here are some good guidelines to picking an appropriate book he likely doesn't have:
• Avoid authors he's mentioned. If he's a big fan of that author, the chances that he already has the book you're looking for greatly increase. Take note of those authors, though (see below).
• Find foreign-language authors similar to the ones you're avoiding (see above). I discovered Kobo Abe this way; someone found out that I liked Camus (not hard to find out) and since Abe and Camus are often compared, she bought me "the Women in the Dunes." If it's a translated author, you have a greater chance of the book not already showing up on his bookshelf.
• Pay attention to anything he calls "neat." "Neat" is the new old-fashioned slang for something that captures one's interest and he'd really like to know more about, but really needs to invest the time in. You can get him started. If something's still neat to him, chances are he hasn't read too many books about it yet. I discovered this strategy when thinking about gifts for my own father, whose fascination with the neat-ness of steam engines has inspired his gift this year (family members reading this, stay quiet!).
  
• Flasks. Sure, not every gentleman's a drinker, but your gift may just be the thing to change that. Again, one of the coolest gifts I ever received was a monogrammed flask. Good stuff.
  
• Spirits or Wine. Again, this may be a gift area where you could be getting yourself in over your head, particularly for the gentleman with a truly rarefied palette, but, at very least, the gentleman should be gracious enough to offer to share the bottle with you. Some choices that you can't really go wrong with include:
• Presecco. This Italian sparkling wine is still rare enough in the US that, if you can find it, you're finding quality. Noticeably sweeter than champagne, this wine doesn't need a special occasion for drinking.
• Rye vodkas. Again, still relatively rare in the US, so you're usually guaranteed a degree of quality. Most rye vodkas are of Polish origin, and even a cheap one has a distinctive taste and aroma. On the cheap, check out Wyborowa.
  
• If you can get it, Absinthe will impress any gentleman when given as a gift. Illegal in the US, you might need to make a special trip to Canada for this one (although many internet retailers will courier absinthe to the US). If the gentleman knows what to do with the absinthe, you're in for a treat. If not, the research will benefit you both. Trust me.
• Foods. This may sound strange, but most gentlemen I know are suckers for good food, whether it's fruits, fish, meats, cheeses, chocolates, whatever. If you want some specific ideas in the Ann Arbor/Ypsi area, spend five minutes at Zingerman's, then go somewhere else you can afford.
  
• Plants. Believe it or not, most gentlemen would be honored to receive a plant as a gift. Just make sure it isn't a seasonal one that is going to die soon.
  
• Other things he needs to be prepared in any of those social situations he may find himself. He might need a lighter to light ladies' cigarettes. He might need some sort of traveling kit (staying out all night is no excuse for bad hygiene). He might need a lot of things; giving attention to his preparedness can definitely show that you're looking out.
  

If you have other suggestions on great gifts for a gentleman, leave a comment. Suggestions for gifts from the gentleman should be coming shortly.

As I've been writing this, I talked to a friend who suggested I might just be writing this article as wish list for myself. Nope. That's not it at all. Not one whit.

Just a convenient by-product of a fun-to-write article.

Notes on Gender and Pronouns

So I was in the middle of writing what's probably the next post here (Universal Skills #3 - the Five-Minute Biography) and I realized that to speak precisely I was forced to use pronouns. Yes, gender-definite ones.

I initially had the urge to try to de-genderize these pronouns -- to neuter them, if you will -- but then realized there is little point in it. If anything, neutering my pronouns was to take meaning and force away from them. Pronouns are already pretty weak, and if the point of a sentence is weakened by changing a well-deserved "he" to a limp and ineffectual "they," why bother?

Then there's the grammatical angle. Really, when I say "someone," the appropriate subsequent pronoun should never be "they." "They" is plural, "someone" is singular. My English-teaching mom would hit me if she ever read that. So, out it goes. "She" is singular, "he" is singular and I'm usually writing about he's and she's, not gender-neutral, plural "they's".

And so, two points about subsequent posts:

1. The Gentleman is a "he." Whether he is actually a he or not, he will be referred to as a "he" in the GentleManual. I don't care what you have between your legs, but when you're being a gentleman, you're a he, if only for the purposes of simplicity.
2. The Gentleman's date is a "she." This is a bit more contentious than my assertion that the gentleman be a he, but again, for simplicity's sake, we'll call her a she. There is no gender agenda here, and really, I hope that people get plenty of use out of this material when dating a "non-she."
   

So, gentlemen and aspiring gentlemen, be assured that, as I continue to write this, I will not have neutered you, nor have I spayed your date. In the next article I post, the why here should start to become apparent.

Universal Skills #2 - Tying One On

Invariably, you will need to wear a tie. Whether it's a wedding, business meeting or, like me, every other time you go to the bar. Used to be, the necktie was a part of every gentleman's every day clothing. Realistically, these days aren't too far back in the past, either.

The casualization of American public society isn't necessarily a bad thing, but -- no, wait, let me change that.

The casualization of American public society is a damn good thing. For a number of reasons. It saves time, allows for more individual expression and definitely makes the office (or wherever) a much more interesting place.

But, most importantly to me, it re-validates the guy who actually puts forth the effort to look nice. If I go out wearing a suit and a tie, people look.

"Look at him," they might say. "Where is he going? What's he up to?"

Yes, in an atmosphere where the casual is the norm, unlike in ages past where the formal was the norm, the formal is exceptional. Exceptional and often noteworthy. Used to be, wearing the casual (or really, the informal) in public was to be underdressed, to look uncouth and show the stripes of the underclasses. Now, though, dressing formally in a casual situation tends to have the opposite effect (but this can vary by venue; I'd never wear a suit to a ballgame unless I was in a skybox of some sort): all eyes will fall on you, if only for a second.

But I'm not here to change how you dress. I'm here to help you with your gentleman skills and knowing how to tie a tie is an essential one. Getting it right without any help is even better.

That in mind, here are some thoughts on tying one on.

The Wrong Way

Things to avoid:

1. Letting your tie get too short. This can actually make you look chubbier than you are.
   
2. Letting your tie get too long. A proper tie should sit at most an inch below your trouser line. AT MOST. It's really going to depend on your personal style whether you ever let it actually get anywhere near there.
   
3. Using the wrong knot. See below for more info on how to get this one right. The right knot on the wrong tie (or neck) can really mess things up for you.
   
4. Having someone else tie it for you. Seriously. Grow up. Mom can't do everything for you anymore. Even you guys in serious, committed relationships -- don't let the gf, wife or whoever do this for you. By now, you should be tying your own ties.
5. Keeping "pre-tied" ties around. You know: that tie you put the knot in (or someone else put the knot in; that's breaking TWO rules, here!) and then looped around the doorknob to "keep the neck straight?" Yeah, I've done it too. But it can permanently mess up silk, which can crease, so the next time someone takes that tie off of you, they'll see all of the un-care you take of your good clothes.
   

Feel free to contact me with any more "tie etiquette" issues. You can be pretty sure that the answer will be "no, you can't do that," but I'll probably give you a good reason why, too.

The Proper Procedure

Before you even start tying your knot, there are a few things you're going to want to think about:

1. What shirt? Your choice of shirt should help define what sort of tie you're wearing.
2. What tie? Based on your choice of shirt, choose an appropriate tie. Here are some simple guidelines:
1. Striped shirt =/= Striped tie. Anything else but stripes should work, as long as it conforms with the rest of the guidelines here.
   
2. Patterned shirt =/= Patterned tie. Again, anything else but patterns should work here. Check with the rest of the rules. See below for special cases.
   
3. Contrast your colors. Your tie should contrast in either hue (color) or tint (darkness/lightness) or both from the bulk of your shirt. If you're wearing a striped shirt, take a tip from the stripes: you can either use the stripes' color or a color that compliments it (as long as it doesn't look ugly with the shirt's base color). Similar logic applies to patterns. For solid-color shirts, you've got a lot more options.
3. What knot? I'll go into this more later, but please be aware that your knot choice is actually important. I start thinking about knot choice when picking out ties and have yet to be disappointed.
4. Accessories. Unless you really, really have something cool, I'd recommend avoiding tie pins, tie tacks and tie clips. At best, these look kind of tacky (but it can be the right kind of kitschy-tacky if done well), but at worst they can be horrific.
5. Planning. It pays to plan in ties just like everywhere else. Before you even start getting dressed, you should have an idea of the shirts, suits and ties in your closet and how they work together. Be prepared, sir, be prepared. This can save you valuable time (and effort) later on.
   

There are four basic knots that every gentleman needs to know. Actually, you only need to know two of the four, but I'd recommend learning all four.

The Windsor: The granddaddy of all knots! The Windsor is the knot that most folks first learn and is one of the reasons that people have a hard time learning how to tie a tie. Complex, intricate and demanding, the ultimate result of the Windsor, however, is a terribly elegant knot well-suited to wide-collared shirts. This knot can be a savior for shorter men, since it uses more loops than other knots and can really shore up excess. The flip side is that, for the taller gentleman, like myself, this knot can only be used with the extra-long ties that are so hard to find. The Windsor is a very balanced, squared knot that looks good with most collars, but can look a little large for skinnier necks.

The Half-Windsor: A Windsor with one less loop. Still elegant, still squared, still balanced, but not as much as the full Windsor. Taller men will find this one a lot easier than the full Windsor in the "is my tie long enough?" department, but it still might be too short for some. Wider ties tied with a Half-Windsor can often ending up having the effect of a full Windsor, so this might be the right knot to use on those kickass 70's ties you looted from your grandfather's closet.

The Four-In-Hand: Thank god! Finally a knot that the tall man can use in most situations! Keeps the tie good and long, BUT it has the major disadvantage of being lopsided on one side. This is the easiest knot to tie and one I think most men never learn, but figure out.

The Bow Tie: Forget clip-ons. Learn to do it yourself. A partially-unraveled bow tie can be even sexier than a fully tied one. CAVEAT: Be very careful when wearing a bow tie! Unless you're wearing a tux or an appropriately showy suit, bow ties can just look sad. I have yet to see a bow tie worn in a non-tacky way outside of a tux of some variety. If you can do it, good on you, and send me pics!

To this litany of the Great Four Knots, I'd like to add my personal favorite.

The Pratt: Also known as the Shelby. This one is very similar to the Half-Windsor, and equals it for balance, length, complexity and elegance. Actually, it's nearly identical to the Half-Windsor, but works in the opposite direction. I'm no left-hander, but for some reason, this one works out great for me. For most folks, the Half-Windsor will do, but if it doesn't, give the Pratt a chance. I know I didn't include instructions for this one, but you can find it on the tie websites mentioned below.

For more knots and how to tie them, check out:
Tie-a-Tie.net
To Tie A Tie.com

Next Time: More Ties! What to do with tough tie decisions!

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

Universal Skills #1 - The Wrong-Way Door

Alright, gents, we all know that we're supposed to hold the door open for ladies. I'm sure by now you've had enough practice with this one that you've encountered the dilemma of the "wrong-way door:" the door that you don't pull open toward you, but that you have to push open away from you. The center of this problem is that, when you're opening the door, you're not supposed to go through it before the lady does, right?

In the standard pull-towards situation, you simply pull open the door toward yourself and hold it there until everyone you're holding it for has passed through. But what do you do when the door opens away from you?

Now, I've tried a few solutions to this issue and hit upon the only (as I see it) logical way to handle it.

The Wrong Way

Do not attempt to push the door open and keep your outstretched arm across it to hold it open. First off, this can be really difficult for shorter men (well, shorter than me which, at 6'5" is most of them); let's face it guys, some times you just can't reach out as far. No shame in understanding that. Second, you're in the damn way: as people try to get through the door, they invariably will have to work around you to get out of it. This almost defeats the purpose of holding the door open in the first place, so you might as well forget it. Third, this is at best a short-term solution. With your arm outstretched like it must be in this situation, you're putting a lot of strain on it -- who knows how long you'll have to hold that door, right? There could be any number of folks who need to come through. Blowing out your door-opening arm on a single wrong-way door is just opening yourself up for more problems later on. Just like a boy scout, you've got to be prepared.

So, no opening doors this way.

The Proper Procedure

The chief stumbling block for solving the wrong-way door is the door itself. In not wanting to cross through the door, you're making the door some inviolate object that you're not allowed to penetrate until the other people with you have. But really, it's not the door you're trying to show respect for, but the people you're holding the door for -- meaning that there's absolutely nothing wrong with walking through it before anyone else does.

1. Open the door.
2. Walk through. Gasp! I know! It seems so wrong, but really, you don't give a damn what the door thinks.
   
3. Immediately stop and hold the door open. It's best if you can swing yourself around with the door to keep yourself moving smoothly. Most doors are stopped in some way on one side by a wall. Get to this wall. Put your back up against it and hold the door open.
4. Hold the door open for everyone who's passing through. Whether they're with you or not. Sure, the folks who you're with may need to wait for you a minute, but you just earned chivalry points both in their eyes and in the eyes of everyone else who came through the door.