Universal Skills #2 - Tying One On

Invariably, you will need to wear a tie. Whether it's a wedding, business meeting or, like me, every other time you go to the bar. Used to be, the necktie was a part of every gentleman's every day clothing. Realistically, these days aren't too far back in the past, either.

The casualization of American public society isn't necessarily a bad thing, but -- no, wait, let me change that.

The casualization of American public society is a damn good thing. For a number of reasons. It saves time, allows for more individual expression and definitely makes the office (or wherever) a much more interesting place.

But, most importantly to me, it re-validates the guy who actually puts forth the effort to look nice. If I go out wearing a suit and a tie, people look.

"Look at him," they might say. "Where is he going? What's he up to?"

Yes, in an atmosphere where the casual is the norm, unlike in ages past where the formal was the norm, the formal is exceptional. Exceptional and often noteworthy. Used to be, wearing the casual (or really, the informal) in public was to be underdressed, to look uncouth and show the stripes of the underclasses. Now, though, dressing formally in a casual situation tends to have the opposite effect (but this can vary by venue; I'd never wear a suit to a ballgame unless I was in a skybox of some sort): all eyes will fall on you, if only for a second.

But I'm not here to change how you dress. I'm here to help you with your gentleman skills and knowing how to tie a tie is an essential one. Getting it right without any help is even better.

That in mind, here are some thoughts on tying one on.

The Wrong Way

Things to avoid:

1. Letting your tie get too short. This can actually make you look chubbier than you are.
   
2. Letting your tie get too long. A proper tie should sit at most an inch below your trouser line. AT MOST. It's really going to depend on your personal style whether you ever let it actually get anywhere near there.
   
3. Using the wrong knot. See below for more info on how to get this one right. The right knot on the wrong tie (or neck) can really mess things up for you.
   
4. Having someone else tie it for you. Seriously. Grow up. Mom can't do everything for you anymore. Even you guys in serious, committed relationships -- don't let the gf, wife or whoever do this for you. By now, you should be tying your own ties.
5. Keeping "pre-tied" ties around. You know: that tie you put the knot in (or someone else put the knot in; that's breaking TWO rules, here!) and then looped around the doorknob to "keep the neck straight?" Yeah, I've done it too. But it can permanently mess up silk, which can crease, so the next time someone takes that tie off of you, they'll see all of the un-care you take of your good clothes.
   

Feel free to contact me with any more "tie etiquette" issues. You can be pretty sure that the answer will be "no, you can't do that," but I'll probably give you a good reason why, too.

The Proper Procedure

Before you even start tying your knot, there are a few things you're going to want to think about:

1. What shirt? Your choice of shirt should help define what sort of tie you're wearing.
2. What tie? Based on your choice of shirt, choose an appropriate tie. Here are some simple guidelines:
1. Striped shirt =/= Striped tie. Anything else but stripes should work, as long as it conforms with the rest of the guidelines here.
   
2. Patterned shirt =/= Patterned tie. Again, anything else but patterns should work here. Check with the rest of the rules. See below for special cases.
   
3. Contrast your colors. Your tie should contrast in either hue (color) or tint (darkness/lightness) or both from the bulk of your shirt. If you're wearing a striped shirt, take a tip from the stripes: you can either use the stripes' color or a color that compliments it (as long as it doesn't look ugly with the shirt's base color). Similar logic applies to patterns. For solid-color shirts, you've got a lot more options.
3. What knot? I'll go into this more later, but please be aware that your knot choice is actually important. I start thinking about knot choice when picking out ties and have yet to be disappointed.
4. Accessories. Unless you really, really have something cool, I'd recommend avoiding tie pins, tie tacks and tie clips. At best, these look kind of tacky (but it can be the right kind of kitschy-tacky if done well), but at worst they can be horrific.
5. Planning. It pays to plan in ties just like everywhere else. Before you even start getting dressed, you should have an idea of the shirts, suits and ties in your closet and how they work together. Be prepared, sir, be prepared. This can save you valuable time (and effort) later on.
   

There are four basic knots that every gentleman needs to know. Actually, you only need to know two of the four, but I'd recommend learning all four.

The Windsor: The granddaddy of all knots! The Windsor is the knot that most folks first learn and is one of the reasons that people have a hard time learning how to tie a tie. Complex, intricate and demanding, the ultimate result of the Windsor, however, is a terribly elegant knot well-suited to wide-collared shirts. This knot can be a savior for shorter men, since it uses more loops than other knots and can really shore up excess. The flip side is that, for the taller gentleman, like myself, this knot can only be used with the extra-long ties that are so hard to find. The Windsor is a very balanced, squared knot that looks good with most collars, but can look a little large for skinnier necks.

The Half-Windsor: A Windsor with one less loop. Still elegant, still squared, still balanced, but not as much as the full Windsor. Taller men will find this one a lot easier than the full Windsor in the "is my tie long enough?" department, but it still might be too short for some. Wider ties tied with a Half-Windsor can often ending up having the effect of a full Windsor, so this might be the right knot to use on those kickass 70's ties you looted from your grandfather's closet.

The Four-In-Hand: Thank god! Finally a knot that the tall man can use in most situations! Keeps the tie good and long, BUT it has the major disadvantage of being lopsided on one side. This is the easiest knot to tie and one I think most men never learn, but figure out.

The Bow Tie: Forget clip-ons. Learn to do it yourself. A partially-unraveled bow tie can be even sexier than a fully tied one. CAVEAT: Be very careful when wearing a bow tie! Unless you're wearing a tux or an appropriately showy suit, bow ties can just look sad. I have yet to see a bow tie worn in a non-tacky way outside of a tux of some variety. If you can do it, good on you, and send me pics!

To this litany of the Great Four Knots, I'd like to add my personal favorite.

The Pratt: Also known as the Shelby. This one is very similar to the Half-Windsor, and equals it for balance, length, complexity and elegance. Actually, it's nearly identical to the Half-Windsor, but works in the opposite direction. I'm no left-hander, but for some reason, this one works out great for me. For most folks, the Half-Windsor will do, but if it doesn't, give the Pratt a chance. I know I didn't include instructions for this one, but you can find it on the tie websites mentioned below.

For more knots and how to tie them, check out:
Tie-a-Tie.net
To Tie A Tie.com

Next Time: More Ties! What to do with tough tie decisions!

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

Universal Skills #1 - The Wrong-Way Door

Alright, gents, we all know that we're supposed to hold the door open for ladies. I'm sure by now you've had enough practice with this one that you've encountered the dilemma of the "wrong-way door:" the door that you don't pull open toward you, but that you have to push open away from you. The center of this problem is that, when you're opening the door, you're not supposed to go through it before the lady does, right?

In the standard pull-towards situation, you simply pull open the door toward yourself and hold it there until everyone you're holding it for has passed through. But what do you do when the door opens away from you?

Now, I've tried a few solutions to this issue and hit upon the only (as I see it) logical way to handle it.

The Wrong Way

Do not attempt to push the door open and keep your outstretched arm across it to hold it open. First off, this can be really difficult for shorter men (well, shorter than me which, at 6'5" is most of them); let's face it guys, some times you just can't reach out as far. No shame in understanding that. Second, you're in the damn way: as people try to get through the door, they invariably will have to work around you to get out of it. This almost defeats the purpose of holding the door open in the first place, so you might as well forget it. Third, this is at best a short-term solution. With your arm outstretched like it must be in this situation, you're putting a lot of strain on it -- who knows how long you'll have to hold that door, right? There could be any number of folks who need to come through. Blowing out your door-opening arm on a single wrong-way door is just opening yourself up for more problems later on. Just like a boy scout, you've got to be prepared.

So, no opening doors this way.

The Proper Procedure

The chief stumbling block for solving the wrong-way door is the door itself. In not wanting to cross through the door, you're making the door some inviolate object that you're not allowed to penetrate until the other people with you have. But really, it's not the door you're trying to show respect for, but the people you're holding the door for -- meaning that there's absolutely nothing wrong with walking through it before anyone else does.

1. Open the door.
2. Walk through. Gasp! I know! It seems so wrong, but really, you don't give a damn what the door thinks.
   
3. Immediately stop and hold the door open. It's best if you can swing yourself around with the door to keep yourself moving smoothly. Most doors are stopped in some way on one side by a wall. Get to this wall. Put your back up against it and hold the door open.
4. Hold the door open for everyone who's passing through. Whether they're with you or not. Sure, the folks who you're with may need to wait for you a minute, but you just earned chivalry points both in their eyes and in the eyes of everyone else who came through the door.

Introduction #1

Bring up the topic of chivalry in nearly any social situation and you get blown off. "Chivalry is dead," they say, mouth curved into the "you can't be serious" frown. You know, the one where they're almost smiling at you for your ridiculous idea. Gentlemanly behavior seems to have been relegated to some intellectual backwater along with etheric and phlogiston theory. Somehow, our collective social consciousness has decided that chivalry is somehow anti-egalitarian, demeaning and (in a true reversal of fortunes) potentially quite rude.

Let's shut that idea off at the tap, shall we?

A few years back when I started seriously thinking about chivalric behavior as it makes sense within a modern context, I found a sharp divide along the lines I expected: most men hated the idea and often mocked it, while women were indifferent or liked the sound of having doors opened for them. One of the things that surprised me (and continues to surprise me) is that the most vehement male detractors of gentlemanliness are some of the men in whom I've most frequently observed gentlemanly behavior. Why, then, did they decry a concept that they embodied?

I would not like to imply that every woman who I've talked to about gentlemanliness is on board with the idea. Occasionally, I've run across a woman here or there who feels that little chivalric actions (like opening a door for her or walking on her outside) is demeaning. Can't she, after all, open her own damn doors? Why the hell does she need someone to interpose himself between her and the incoming splash from that puddle?

This argument speaks to a larger social issue: the death of chivalry is often seen as an early victory of feminism. If men stop treating women with a different set of rules than they treat each other, then, logically, women have come one more step closer to being socially equal to men, right? Through this lens, gentlemanliness not only becomes unnecessary, but insulting, demeaning and, well, sexist.

So, if I keep hitting all of this resistance, if men and women alike despise chivalry and gentlemanliness so much, why should I bother trying to write about chivalry at all? What could I possibly have to say to make it sound attractive? Why waste the time?

It is not my intent to convince anyone to act in a gentlemanly manner. I will not revive chivalry on my own. If you're already sold one way or the other -- for or against -- you're not going to find a debate here. I do not intend on addressing fine points of gender theory here. That doesn't mean that it won't happen, it's just not what I'm here for.

The point is, there is a set of disparate skills that every gentleman needs to have and behaviors he needs to exhibit. Some are easy, some are hard. Some have the same answer every time they pop up, some have an answer that depends entirely on context. What this blog is here to do is to help gentlemen (or aspiring gentlemen) navigate these issues, skills and situations to live up to the ideals of modern chivalry.

In reality, the central concept of modern chivalry boils down to one idea, one concept and any gentleman would do well to bear it in mind, keep it, use it every day and make it the guiding force in his social interactions with other people (male or female):

Every case is a special case.

When every situation is treated as unique and individual, every event recognized as fleeting and irreplaceable, the actual crux of chivalry is attained. It's not about doing things for other people, whether they could do them for themselves or not. It's about doing justice to the case, and every case is a special case.